Freedom of choice, as long as you choose what we want

I love hypocrisy. I do. Last week the same folks that have been "cleaning up our airwaves" had a brilliant idea. They want to have cable TV change to a system where you only purchase the station you want. Reason: no one would have to watch anything they found offensive. (Has anyone told these retards that a system for that already exists? It's called a remote control...but I digress)
So, they pushed their little agenda until, lo and behold, someone had a scary thought: no one would buy their shitty religious channels. CRAP!!
I could actually hear the far-right special interest groups frantically trying to click the undo button. I haven't seen anyone backpedal this fast since Wiley Coyote realized the rock was coming back his way.

It's tough to scare a husky

I was at a buddies house and we decided to make some microwave popcorn. Did you know that crap can go bad? Us either. We put the aforementioned package in the nuker, set the time, and returned to our Kung Fu movie. (shut up)
A few minutes later we smell that lovely aroma of water expanding and popping corn. Not too long after that, we all see each other sniffing the air, as something is now amiss. We head into the kitchen where something is glowing in the microwave.
We pop the door and a block, yes...a door shaped block, of smoke wafts out promptly filling the house with...hmmm. Image if the kernels had been soaked in panther piss overnight. Now you're getting close...but remember...it's burnt too.
We stand there gagging for a minute until the phone rings. My buddy's wife is on her way home. Now, we all love her to death. But A) she will beat all of our asses if she gets home gets one whiff of what has now filled the entire house, And B) she would never, ever let us live it down.
One of us find the grilling tongs and chuck the still glowing and smouldering mass into the backyard. The husky takes one look/smell at it and begins grunting and trying to scare it away...good luck. We throw open every window we can find, get some fans going, and every last one of us found religion.
And like a scene out of a movie when the wife arrives home there's just a faint smell of burnt popcorn.

We've not been allowed to cook in her house since.

One of "those" mornings

I wake up Monday to a sheet of ice covering my Jeep. Not just that, "Wow, that looks neat" kind of ice. That, "Shit. I'm going to be late to work" kind of ice.

6:00 I pry my way into the driver's side door, start her up, and head inside to finish getting ready for work.

6:10 Absolutely no progress has been made on the ice. I start hunting for my scraper.

6:15 Hands cold enough to flash freeze nitrgoen now, I give up looking for my scraper and head back in.

6:20 A small sliver of glass is now visible at the very bottom

6:30 Screw it. I slouch WAY down in my seat and take off.

Now, anyone seeing me drive, if they could actually see me, would have assumed I'm a 96 year old, blue-hair driving on ice. At the top of my driveway I have to shift into 4x4 just to get out. But wait...now the parade starts. Seems everyone has chosen to drive down my usually deserted road this morning.

Did I mention I can't see out either side window? Ya. I can see the glare of headlights coming but have absolutely no clue how far away they are. One lucky guess later and I'm now on public roads.

Due to the low temp, no more ice melts all the way to work. My back is still in the shape of a question mark. I pull into my regular spot and, seeing the ice, gently apply my brake and slide right through my spot, an additional few feet, and into the curb...which promptly stops my slide. I throw it in reverse, and being a rear wheel drive vehicle, proceed to spin out for a bit until I remember....4x4!

Safely parked, I step out, forget there's ice under me, and fall flat on my ass.

That's all before I get into my classroom and see that damn red "Some parent is bitching again on voicemail" light flashing.